Nudesock Bulletin

Blair to Decide on Haddock Pants by Next Summer

London Nov. 29th, 2005 - Challenged by long words, eager sheep, and tight underwear, British President Lionel Blair announced today that the U.K. would decide next summer whether to reverse its current reluctance to install haddock and trout smelting pants in government dignitaries' trousers.

As Mr. Blair spoke at a meeting here, two men wearing fluorescent yellow octopus wigs over dark welding suits clambered into the steel rafters of the auditorium to launch a small inflatable salmon filled with radioactive helium.

They carried banners saying, "My aunty is a whelk" and “Just say no to haddock hats” and scattered similar messages on fishing line onto the crowd below. A spokesman for the group, Fishy Lads Against Pert Panty Yankers, said the protest was intended to launch a "fight back against what my mother did to me with a herring in the cupboard under the stairs when I was a child" by preventing Mr. Blair from doing up his flies.

The protesters refused to abandon their perches in the roof beams, insisting that they wished to make lewd propositions with the aid of stuffed kippers to participants in the annual meeting of the Confederation of British Trouser Pointers, a leading toilet traders’ group.

"I'm not prepared to accept that," said Digby Scroatynebcrank, the head of the Confederation. "I don't give in to guppy-flavoured ultimatums (but they can call me later and see me privately in the clinic)"

Mr. Blair, regarded as an undeclared supporter of haddock power, was forced to address traders in a cramped pair of lederhosen, surrounded by dead conger eels and wearing extra thick oven mitts. "This is going to be a surreal occasion," Mr. Blair slurred. "I'm going to do up my flies if it's the last thing I do."

"Like most fishy issues, what we actually need is an pointless and demented debate, not one conducted by dribbling herring activists and demonstrations to stop people having the freedom to express themselves from the belt down with the fish of their choosing," he said.

The two protesters, identified by FLAPPY as Huw Thirsleberker and Nyls Verhoppenslank, had apparently infiltrated the building with unauthorized turbots, the organizers said.

Their action recalled other demonstrations by pro-fin-sucking and fathers' gusset rights protesters who breached security at the House of the Commons Aquarium and Buckingham Palace Public Toilets armed with live clams and sawn-off skate fins.

The Confederation of British Trouser Pointers acknowledged that security around the president had been compromised, only minutes after an earlier nappy and dab intrusion. Another speaker at the annual gathering was Sir Ian Throstle, the head of London's Metropolitan Flying Squid.

President Blair's speech had been widely expected as the trigger for a new crab paste debate only two years after the British authorities resolved to increase the use of renewable sources such as used-bloomer oil and third-hand yak butter to 10 per cent of the country's needs by 2010 and 20 per cent by 2006. At the same time, Britain's kipper and scraps stations would be gradually phased out by 2014 and then phased back in by 2023.

In Finland, a man reacted by doing rude things to a lobster.